I Hate Tesco

There's a guy I know who's a doctor. He doesn't go shopping in the supermarket himself, but his wife or daughter does it for him. He's not a chauvinist pig or anything like that; it's just that when he goes in, people look in his trolley to see what he's buying and it really hacks him off. Now in the last analysis, maybe it doesn't matter, but it is one of those fingering, cozying up to you kind of serial killer fascinations that can really freak you out. You know the kind of thing;

Jean Van Damme 'Are you going to release my wife or am I going to make a film about tracking you down and killing you in a really cool way?'

Mad Serial Killer ' I know you have Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for breakfast every day and you were the only person to buy Kellogg's Pop Tarts when they brought them out. And you have cheap shoes as well..

I don't have a Tesco Clubcard for this reason. I would like to tell you it's because I'm a fugitive from justice or a danger to the state, but in reality it's because I-do-not-like Tesco knowing what I buy every week. I don't want them to know that I always buy chicken portions for Saturday, mince for Sunday and that I convert the mince into a chilli con carne for Monday. I don't want them to know that I always buy Orange and Mango juice and avoid their own brand at all costs. And if I am weak and give way to a packet of Milk Chocolate Buttons at the checkout or buy a bottle of Oxford Landing to get blootered on, it's my business. Not Tesco's. Not the companies that buy this info from Tesco to sell you holidays and insurance and all the rest of it. And if I end up a fugitive from justice, it's none of their frigging business either.

So why am I telling you this? Well, I had the bright idea of having my weekend shopping delivered. So I went online to set it up, only to find that I had to sign up for a Clubcard or the deal was off. It was put in quite a sly fashion. It wasn't actually marked as a mandatory field but with a slightly posher wee kind of sword mark that you know means trouble. And when you tried to ignore it, a message came up saying that if you ticked this box, you either filled in your Clubcard number or registered for one. If you didn't tick the box you would return to the home page.
I decided that I wasn't having it. So tomorrow I will be chuntering round Tesco at 12.30 along with half the population of Coatbridge and I will stand at the checkout and confess to the assistant, that a) I don't have a Clubcard b)I am not collecting points for Sport for Schools c) I forgot my long life bags yet again and d)yes I would like 7 of your non eco friendly bags and could you double up on the bag with the Oxford Landing in it?

I hate Tesco...